"Dramatis Personae"

Me and Billy G wrote this one up together. Might have been one of the finest write ups I was a part of. From 11/6/99, here it is

RE-WRITE OF THE CENTURY


Tonight we have the Loser goes to Hell match for the iNCW! Our guest announcers are arriving just now, Barry "the King" Bawler and Toni Jabroni! Here they come!

Jabroni: Yes, tonight is the Loser goes to Hell match in the iNCW! We have Agent Orange against ChaosBill as the competitors. And as Guest Refs, we have none other than Lance Pink and Chevalier! Here they come now!

King: Listen to that, Tony! They're really letting those guys have it with chants of "#%$hole!" Wait!! Here comes Chaos Bill!!! But who is that with him? Wait a minute! Thats Thawk, DidiSlam, Tough Guy, TheJester, and CatWoman, ! All 6 of them storm out of the back to "We Will Rock You"! Oh, this could get ugly fast!


Jabroni: The old school slammers are now in the ring, riling up the crowd... it's total bedlam here in The Garden!


II

King: Damn skippy! Hear that? Looks like Agent Orange is here, cuz the lights just went out and... and "Electric Funeral" by Black Sabbath is thundering over the PA! The ramp's ablaze! This can only mean one thing, Tony, HE is here and he's PISSED OFF! Here they come...Agent Orange... BigDave, BitterDog... the... my God... The Dark Knight... Max Entropy, and Lord! Now they're walking around the ring taunting "Old School" and riling up the crowd! I can't even hear myself anymore! Oh wait...here comes out commish, Moses.

Moses: Well guys. Since both of you brought out your friends, we might as well make this a little elimination tag match. Now your careers hang in the balance of your buddies....good luck!


III


King: Oh man! Did you hear that! So now it looks like Team Old School -vs- The Circle! This is totally unexpected!

Jabroni: Starting the schtick off for Team Old School will, of course, be ChaosBill himself. and for The Circle, will be Agent Orange... after that, it's any man's fight. They stand in the ring, talking some serious trash! Man, chaosbill has to be out of his mind, AO's at least 2x his size!

King: And there's the bell! Quick knee to the groin by ChaosBill, european uppercut... russian legsweep! Bill is opening with everything he's got... to the third turnbuckle... In the air for a moonsault--

Jabroni: NO! AO is up, catches him, and nearly powerslams him
through the mat! AO drops an elbow... another... oh NO! He's
applying the dreaded... and i mean DREADED "Armpit of Death," which has been brought back for this special match! Nobody's ever sur--


IV


King: Thawk jumps into the ring and breaks the hold with a boot to
the throat! Dark Knight jumps into the ring, cross body block! Lance and Chevy are frantically working to clear the ring! ChaosBill tags in Tough guy...Agent Orange tags BitterDog!

Jabroni: toughGuy definately has the psychopath advantage here, but BitterDog doesn't dissapoint! TG off the ropes... going for a clothesline...ducked by Bitter... Tough Guy on the way back... leapfrog by bitter dog... TG slams on the breaks and puts BD on the mat with some kind of neckbreaker! Going for an elbow drop... Bitter rolls out of the way at the last second!

King: They lock up... BitterDog stomps on his foot... boot to the gut... DDT! BitterDog plants ToughGuy with a DDT, but he isn't giving up so easily! Both on their feet, ToughGuy with a dropkick! BitterDog sails into the turnbuckles and TG follows up with a Vader Attack! Bitter crumbles to the mat like--


V


Jabroni: No! Uppercut to the groin! ToughGuy is in a LOT of pain right now! Knee to the face by BitterDog... sets him up... BRONCO BUSTER!! bitterDog is giving ToughGuy a bronco buster! BitterDog tags in Max Entropy!... Max off the third turnbuckle with a knee drop to ToughGuys throat from WAAAY up there! Max tags BigDave... SAME DEAL! Bigdave tags in Lord! Lord jumps into the ring and... and OH MY GOD!! He is stomping a mudhole in the motionless Toughguy! He must have learned that from his time in big brother! Dark Knight is begging for a tag! No! DigiSlam runs into the ring to break...
Lord tags DK and nails Digislam with a boot to the groin! Dark Knight with a flying heel drop right onto ToughGuy from the third turnbuckle! ToughGuy isn't moving!

VI


Jabroni: DK tags Max... Mex in the air from the third turnbuckle... Dark Knight powerbombs Max Entropy onto toughGuy!! The refs clear DigiSlam and Lord from the ring and DK starts screaming
smack at ToughGuy! Max with the cover... too easy, ToughGuy is out cold! 1...2...3! toughguy is staggering to the back when... Agent Orange picks him up, tombstone piledriver onto the pavement followed by a vicious use of the steel steps!

King: OH THE CARNAGE!! TOUGHGUY IS DEAD!! DECAPITATED BY THE STEEL STEPS!! First death of the night!! oh this is SICK! Now in the ring is ChaosBill vs Max Entropy! Bill with a spinning heel kick to Max... Max is teetering! WHAM! ChaosBill with a boot to Max's bad knee! STUNNER! ChaosBill just stunned Max Entropy! Now he's applying a sharpshooter, really applying the pressure to Max's bad knee! Max is trying to get to the ropes... No dice! He is forced to tap out! Max Entropy is done and heads for the back, with a shotgun slung over his shoulder! That's 4-4 now!


VII


Jabroni: Agent Orange into the ring... these guys are at it again, when guys on both sides haven't even gotten into the fray? Here they go! chaosBill again opens up with a fury of attacks... Agent Orange is teetering... Bill whips him into the ropes... AO looking for a clothesline on the way back... dropkick by Chaos! Bill off the top turnbuckle with a moonsault... BAM! Agent Orange is down! chaosBill drops 2 elbows and several punches to the face, now ChaosBill tries for a cover... 1...2...NO! Broken up by Lord with a solid boot to the arse!

King: ChaosBill tags in thawk! Agent Orange still hasn't tagged anyone in! thawk and AO square off... boot to the gut by Agent Orange... Powerbomb! Ao grabs thawks feet... Oh how AWFUL! Knee drop to the groin! That'll sterilize ya! AO off one set of ropes... the other--


VIII


Jabroni: Met with a fist to the head by CatWoman! Agnet Orange topples like a house of cards! Thawk is rolling on the mat in pain, both sets of teams are straining for a tag here!

King: This may be awhile! I've just recieved word from the back that
something horrible has happened... Rodney DangerField has been found shot to death! With him is Speed Demon! Back to the action; Thawk tags catwoman and she jumps from the turnbuckle with a flying elbow! Agent Orange meets them with a size 15 foot to the face! Catwoman hits the mat and is dazed! Agent Orange tags in BigDave! Dave runs in and starts kicking and stomping like a house of fire!



IX


Jabroni: Yeah! Goes for the cover on the dazed CatWoman...1...2..NO! Broken up by Digislam! Dark Knight catapults Bitterdog into the air and Bitter nails Digi with a spectacular double leg drop from 15
feet up! BigDave tags in Lord as the ring gets cleared... Now
we have Lord sqaring off with Catwoman. Lord flips Catwoman off and charges! Fierce series of rights to the face! Stomp on the foot, knee to the head... elbow to the back... Guillotine leg drop! Man, Lord is going nuts out there.... Immediately to the top rope... looks like he's going for a huge splash... NO! catWoman
rolls out of the way! Rookie error there! Now Catwoman is setting up for a bronco buster! NO CHANCE IN HELL! Dark Knight runs into the ring... STUNNER!!! STUNNER!!! Catwoman hits the mat like a 2 ton weight!

King: chevalier just threw Wild Bill from the ring. Lord with the
cover... like there's any real problem now... 1...2...3! Catwoman is
TOAST! Here comes Thawk from behind! Caught Lord off guard! Atomic Drop! Thawk with the cover... 1...2...3! Lord is gone! Look at that, Dark Knight is chasing Catwoman up the ramp! looks like he's setting her up for---



X



Jabroni: NIGHTFALL FATALITY!!! I can't believe it! He killed
Catwoman out of cold blood! Now we have Thawk in the ring with
Agent Orange! Bitterdog is begging for a tag... no dice! Thawk bounces off the ropes, elbowing Bitter off the ring apron! Now he tagged ChaosBill! CB off the top turnbuckle with a spinning heel kick! Agent Orange takes the shot but is still standing! AO off one set of ropes... ChaosBill ducks the elbow... Orange to go-- NO! Digislam just hit Agent Orange in the head with the timekeeper's bell! Lancepink and Chevy aren't doing a thing! We know they've let this fight go on like a hardcore battle, but this is insane! Agent Orange is really dazed... chaosbill dropkicks him! Knee drop to the
throat... 1...2...shoulder up! CB applies some kind of headbutt
drop or something! BigDave trying to get into the ring to break up the second cover attempt, but Chevy keeps him out! 1...2...3! Agent Orange is eliminated! He barely rolls out of the ring and here comes Bitterdog!


XI


Jabroni: Bitterdog spears ChaosBill and it's an all out brawl! Fists and feet are flying!! bitter gains a momentary upper hand and tosses ChaosBill out of the ring! bitterdog to the top rope... it gets shaken by Digislam!! BitterDog falls on top of ChaosBill! They must have cracked their heads together because NEITHER is moving!!

King: And there's the count-out Chaos and bitter don't know who they are or where they are! bitterdog sits down on the decapitated body of Toughguy, who is still twitching! I don't think bitterDog knows what the hell is going on! Chaosbill staggers out to the back. Now remaining for The Circle is the Dark Knight and BigDave, and for Team OldSchool, thawk and Digislam!


XII


King: Digislam squares off with Bigdave... dave with a Polish uppercut followed by a vicious backhand! Didicomes back with a series of smacks! He's trying to lay the Smack Down on BigDave! Dave kicks his knee, twists... Oh yeah!!! Boston Crab!! Digislam is in a LOT of pain right now! Thawk jumps in the ring to break it up... NO! Dark Knight off the top turnbuckle for... for an INVERTED NIGHTFALL!! thawk is DOWN!!! Dark Knight kicks digislam several times in the head...

Jabroni: Wait a second! We've just received word from the back...
ChaosBill IS DEAD!!! CHAOSBILL IS DEAD!!! Someone found him out back, obviously overcome by The Armpit of DEATH, then according to the coroner on the scene, he's been drowned in jello!! Yes! Grape Jello! That still doesn't explain the wooden dildo shoved in his ear, but I'd say it's overkill! JUST LIKE WHAT BIGDAVES DOIN' TO DIGISLAM!!! Dark Knights got Digi in a figure four leglock and BigDave is hitting him in the face with a steel yo-yo! Oh the humanity!


XIII


King: What's this? A peace offering? YES!! Dave is offering Digislam a piece of Pez! DK releases Didi and picks up thawk by the throat! Thawk is still out cold! Look at BigDave! He's shoving that Pez Dispenser so far down Digislams Throat, you'd think this was a cartoon!! That's harsh!! I'll bet nobody's ever died choking on a Pez Dispenser before!

Jabroni: I can't bear to watch, look over there! The Dark Knight, is stealing thawks soul!!! Incredible!!! Thawk is left twitching and screaming on the mat as DK turns to Lance Pink! The match is obviously over, but The Circle OBVIOUSLY doesn't think so!! It appears that Lance has DISQUALIFIED Dark Knight for soul taking!! I can't believe this!! Well.. can anyone? Dark Knight kicks Lance in the balls... STUNNER!! Bigdave is the last of The circle... THE CIRCLE WINS!!!


XIV


King: Oh my GOD! DK just destroyed thawks soul!!! It's GONE!! Here come Max Entropy with several firearms and such, and Agent Orange is
with him... with a MACHETE!! AO decapitates the twitching thawk!!
OH my GOD, he killed THAWKY!! That bastard!!

Jabroni: Now from the back come Bombshell, Tamzi, Sic Puppy, Amer_Eagle, Cage, and the Mighty and Powerful DAVELEE!!! Oh, it's total anarchy! The horror, the humanity.. the ratings boost!! H


King: chevalier is now squaring off with Dark Knight... they're screaming at each other... Lance is out cold... Not any more! Dave and Max break him in half on a table turned on its side!! That's just BRUTAL!!! All little kids, if you're STILL watching, YOUR PARENTS SHOULD BE SHOT!!! TURN OFF THIS TV RIGHT NOW... nah... on second thought... WE WANT YOU TO HAVE NIGHTMARES!!! YEEEHEHEHEHAHAHAAAA!!


XV


Jabroni and King begin to fight with their chairs and mics.... King
applies a tombstone piledriver on Jabroni... Jabroni pulls a gun and
shoots King directly up between his legs!!! That bullet just exited the top of his head! Good thing he wasn't alive, otherwise he'd WANT to die.... Entropy notices the new gun on the scene and puts Jabroni out with a burst from his SKS. DK seems to not care about the fight going on, or his teammates frantic screams to stop... he's cutting open the mat!!

THERE'S A VAT OF MERCURY UNDER THERE!!! Agent Orange jumps from the third turnbuckle into the mercury... and floats right up!! Mercury's so dense, you can WALK on it!! Check this out! Amer_Eagle is up in the rafters... drops down on top of AO with a pogo stick!!! Agent Orange just got impaled by Amer Eagle!!! That'll leave a mark! Agent Orange is essentially DEAD! DK sees this, swears violently, then throws his Member Defender (knife) at AmerEagle... Nailed him in the temple! That'll really leave a gouge!



XVI


Now Dark Knight grabs Chevalier... Chevy wrenches free and runs like hell. It's an all out brawl out there!!! cage walks out from the back, and DK makes a hand motion at him... HE GETS CRUSHED BY A GIANT
GOBSTOPPER! What the hell is up with THAT?! Nobody seems to notice
Bitterdog, who's STILL sitting on the twitching corpse of Toughguy... eeeewww!! He's picking TOughguys decapitated nose! He's NUTS! Wait!! Here comes Tamzi... Bitter takes the head and shoves it down Tamzis throat! Talking about DEEP THROAT ACTION!!! Too bad ToughGuy doesn't feel it! Tamzi is dead! Here comes DaveLee! He farts on Bitterdog!!! BitterDog MELTS!!! Oh now that's just uncalled for!! Talking about TASTELESS!!!


XVII


He takes one of BitterDogs bones and shoves it through Sic Puppys head! Talking about getting BONED! Here comes Bombshell... IN A SUPER-LATE RACE CAR!!! It's sporting a #27! He runs over DaveLee AND BubbaKing!! SPLATTO!!! OH no! He just hit Agent Orange's body, drops the drive shaft... POLE VAULTS THE CAR OVER THE RING!! KABOOOOOOMM!!! He just took out rows 7-40 in the D section! HOLY @##$!! Not only is the crazy guy in one piece, he's walking away, just a wee bit of smoke coming from his arse!! Realizing that he's done here, he leaves for parts unknown.


XVIII


Cage and Bugsy are duking it out with Maul! Maul uses his X-rated vision to strip them BUCK NEKKID! They turn on Maul and kill him to little pieces!! They turn to leave... NO! Here comes Magus! He applies the BALL SCRATCHER on BOTH OF THEM! Now he's... oh it's HORRIBLE!! Here comes Quint!! He defacates in BOTH of their mouths! The toxicity of the levels of the feces kills ALL THREE OF THEM!! Quint heads for the ring, to kill the Max and BigDave...

Meanwhile, Dark Knight and Chevalier are duking it out on the lake of
Mercury! Chevy kicks him in the groin! DK doubles over... he goes
for a DDT... NO! DK manages to hoist him into a side suplex...
SPLASH! right onto the mercury's surface... DK cuts one of the ropes
and whips him with it!

Dark Knight: WHO'S YO DADDY?!


XIX



He wraps the rope around Chevys neck, and ties the other end of it to a 300lb weight and throws it into the lake! It sinks like a stone and CHEVY GETS HUNG UPSIDE-DOWN IN THE VAT OF MERCURY!! Will he die of hanging, or drowning? Not like it matters, the feet hanging out of the surface are just damn right amusing! Too bad he kicked some of that mercury into Dark Knights mouth! Oh man, MAD HATTER SYNDROME!!

Dave and Max have frozen Magus in a block of clear ice.... With a
sodomized rubber chicken stuffed up his nose! Dark Knight starts to
scream and cry and laugh and scratch his unmentionables as he tries to
balance on the feet sticking out of the mercury... HE'S A *REAL* LUNATIC NOW!! Max breaks out with a chaingun... TARGET PRACTICE!!
He puts close to 40,000 holes in the block of ice and Magus with
it!! Oh that's just OVERKILL... but when isn't it?!


XX


20 minutes later

BigDave, Max Entropy, and Dark Knight stand on the smoking ruins of the iNCW arena...DK is busy chewing on the barrels of one of the chainguns.

DK: Come on, WHERE'S THE DAMN CREAM FILLING?!

Dave looks at Max. Max looks at Dave. Dave looks at Max. Max looks at Dave. Davelooks at Max. Max looks at Dave. Suddenly there is the sound of a squeaking wheel approaching.... DK doesn't seem to notice... he accidentally happens to pull the pin from the grenade and....

XXI


Agent Orange wakes up in a pool of his own sweat...

"Wow...what a wierd dream, Damn! Talk about match anxiety. I hope that really doesnt happen man. I dont want to DIE!"

He looks at the clock, realized its only 3:24am, and goes back to sleep.

XXII

16 hours later

Festee: Wow ladies and gentlemen, do we have a great match for you tonight. Our main event pits two classics against eachother. Chaos Bill, who as you know is one of the original 13 slammers, will face off against Agent Orange, who has been around since early '98. Both men have had there fare share of experience here in CSlam. We dont know much about ChaosBill and his triumphs, but we do know some stuff about Agent Orange.

Mayes: Please, spare us the spiel on what college he went to and what football team he played for.

Festee: Dont worry Lord Mayes. Im only talking bout his CSlam career. He has been in numerous stables, some being Big Brother, the Assassins Guild, the Dark Side, the Rebellion, and many others. He is currently a member of the Circle, headed up by his close friend, the Dark Knight. His title history is as follows; one time CBF heavyweight champ, lightweight champ, two time intercontinental champ, he revived the European Title which was vacated by Cabo, won the Tag titles once with AL bradd in the team called the "Thought Police". In the iMWA he won the heavyweight title once. Here in the iNCW he is a three time worlds champ, numerous respect title winner, and a former member of the tag team known as "Blurred Image". He represented the CBF and Big brother in the Ultimate finals back in October of '98, finishing third, only because he was jobbed down by CerealKiller.

XXIII


Mayes: You better shut up there Body...youve already missed Chaosbills entrance. Agent Orange is halfway down the friggin ramp now!

Festee: Sorry, got carried away...Ok, both men are in the ring now, circling eachother, trying to size the other up. You know, Agent Orange defenately has the size advantage here. ChaosBill is going to have his work cut out for him.

They lock up, punch to the face by Agent orange. He delivers a kick to the groin...CB cant take that kinda punishment! He is probaly on viagra as it is, the old fossile!

Mayes: That damn stuff is expensive! How am I supposed to...oh nevermind. Back to the action!

XXIV

Festee: Yeah...thats sick Lord Mayes. Know what...i refuse to work out here with you until you clean up your act!

Festee leaves the announcers stand. Lord Mayes bursts into tears and runs after Festee. Accidentaly, as he runs past the ring, he knocks into one of the ropes that ChaosBill was standing on. CB loses his balance and falls to the mat. He immediately signals for the bell.

Wait..this wasnt supposed to happen! CB is really hurt. Agent Orange looks around in confusion. The referee is tending to ChaosBill now. Wait...here is the ring announcer. He has just talked to the REF

RA: Ladies and gentlemen...this match will continue.

XXV


Inside the ring the ref instructs agent orange to just pick up bill, deliver a quick Tranquilizer, and end the match. Bill has severly injured his knee and cannot go on any further until undergoing strict medical care. So...

AO sets CB up for the Tranquilizer...and nails him. CB is down, AO for the pin...1...2...AO PULLS UP!!!!

The ref looks at Agent Orange is shock. AO nails the referee with a closed right! HE glares down upon ChaosBill who is looking up in fear. Fear of what Agent Orange might do to his injured body. Then AO produces a lead pipe from his trunks. He winds up, swings it around and BAM!!!

XXVI

He just whacked bills injured knee with the force of a locomotive! WHAM! he nails him again and again, viciously hacking away at ChaosBills injured knee. It looks like AO doesnt give a damn about his mans wellbeing!

HERE COMES TOUGHGUY AND HIS BODY GUARDS!!!! They surround the ring. AO notices them and pulls away from Chaos Bill. He now takes out a mic.

XXVII


AO: Hey Billy boy...listen up and listen well. The voice you hear right now is that of your god! I could end your life right now, and I very well might have ended your CSlam career tonight. I will let you go though, so you can tell the other 12 losers what it is like to step into my world. Face it, your time is up! It is MY time now ya oik! hit my music!

A rope extends from the rafters and AO climbs on and rides to higher ground as Toughguy and his bodyguards tend to the fallen Chaos Bill.

And the cameras fade toblack.

"The Forsaken"

"Bastille Day" by Rush blares over the PA, as the Dave Connection rush to the ring along with Lexus.

HN: SACRE MERDE! Tazz is so consumed with beating on AO that he doesnt even notice BigDave standing behind him.

He taps him on the shoulder...Tazz turns and..WHACK! He gets nailed with a hard left by the leader of the Rebellion.

Chainz: Jenna is jumping on BD's back, pounding hopelessy away and here comes Lexus. She yanks Jenna off of him, and pummles away! CCcCCc...CCC..CCCat fight!!!WOOHOO!!!

HN: Get a grip of yourself Chainz!

NO WAIT...I DIDNT MEAN!!!!OH WHO PERVERSE!!!WE ARE ON AIR DAMMIT!!!! PUT IT AWAY PUT IT AWAY!!!!

Chainz: Oh yeah....sorry. Jay Leno is looking worried...He is backing out of the ring...wise move. He wouldnt want to het beating on by all those Rebels. Tazz and Jenna just hada rude awakening in the ring. And Jay is the only one to survive and tell the tale.

HN: dont speak to soon buddy! A fan just grabbed Jay from behind and dragged him into the seats. Where is security?!?! He is beating on Leno relentlessly with a steel chair!

Chainz: Hey! Thats not a fan! That is Bombshell! What the HELL?!

HN: IM SORRY FANS!!!WE ARE DESPERATELY OUT OF TIME!!!GOOD NI...



The sky splits open with a clash of thunder. Lightening bolts all
around and luminates all with its glow.

All the manwhile, down on the ground, a man stands, tall and
mighty, with a lofty air about him. Cloaked in crimson and
sable he stands his ground against the oncoming assault of this
mighty storm, knowing full well he can weather its attack.

But then, a cloud, darker than all of its brothers descends
slowly from the heavens. Ever so slowly it makes its way for
the man on the ground.

Suddenly the could bursts open, and a figure, all alone is
rapidly falling, coming straight down for the man on the
ground.

The man in sable and crimson, who just a minute ago looked
so brave and reslute, is now panicing and running around in
circles like a chicken with its head cut off.

A purple vapor rises up around him, and the falling figure
stoops low over him.

The man goes dumb, and falls, but not on his own accord.
Laughing the figure leaves a note on TAZZES chest.

FADE TO BLACK

"Busy Child" by The Crystal Method blares out the PA system in the
iNCW arena. The 72 fans in the arena at 3:00 am are all sleeping.

Larry Nabisco: What the hell? Here comes Agent orange, but he is dressed
up like...like...Lance Pink! What the...

Chainz: I knew AO was acting a little funny latly but this...this is a little bit
over the edge.

Nabisco: Hmmm...I think AO is just a wee bit tipsy out there as well. He is
stumbling all over the aisle.

Chainz: A little too much like Lance. Hell, he cant even WALK straight
anymore.

Nabisco: Well..he is in the ring now. Lets see what he has to say.

AO: Bonjour iNCW!

I jus wanna say to tazz that...even tho i may smell like frog...and even tho i
may look a lil bit...funny....and even tho i might be jus a bit drunk...but..i can
still kick the merde outta tha losa tazz.

so..tazz, why donchu come out 'ere now in fron' o all thes fan an' we get it
on?

Nabisco: Hmmm...he is dressed like Lance...i hope he doesnt mean...ya
know...get IT on...

Chainz: And what is up with these French references? HE sure is hell aint
Chevy. Now HE is a true competitor.

Nabisco:In monotone: Yes. Chevalier truly does deserve to be in the hall of
fame. A true face like him would never need his stable to job him in. Long
live Chevalier.

A man with a "Knights" T-shirt walks up and hands Nabisco a nice big
bag of...laundry...yeah...laundry.

Suddenly Tazz runs down the aisle with Jenna and Jay Leno.

But, just as they get up to Agent Orange...

"If Wishes Were Horses"

This was from 9/30/1999



Yes indeed. I’m Alex this is the dramatic return of the Ozporn. It’s the SEASON PREMIERE of THE Internet’s best loved newsletter.....the most INNOVATIVE....the most INFLUENTIAL INTERNET COLUMN ON THE
WHOLE....WHOLE....err Internet!!! Hannon may now retake his rightful
spot FAAR behind my white ass. It’s over kid....you’re back to being number 2.
Lots and lots and oodles of stuff to go through....just some catching up that I feel obliged to take care of. Feel free to read it if you like...or don’t....I couldn’t really care less.

First off, you don’t really want to know where I’ve been these last two weeks.....it’s pretty boring. No car accidents....no heart attacks......no AIDS Virus....no husband coming home early....just a little real life getting in the way of my Internet fun. Hell, I was going to take THIS week off too....but since Al said that I’d be back this week in his Saturday news thing...and Lord knows just about all of Hotmail management is pissed enough at me already (don’t ask)...I
figured I’d saddle up in front of the old keyboard, take off my
pants....and make good on his word. It IS nice to see that a massive wave of letters must have prompted Al to say that I’d be back....it’s nice to feel wanted. Why..I’m half tempted to give out my phone number online....just so you could all kiss my ass through AT&T.

Oh wait..somebody already gave out my number already.....OOO THAT NO
GOOD DAMN RAT BAST....

Oh wait...that’s not my number....heh...how typically half assed......it must be my imaginary sister’s number.

It’s so fun watching people try so desperately to get me to talk about them again.

Second off, the letters I’ve received during my absence. It’s an interesting trend. During the first week..I don’t get many letters anymore. I used to get tons of people screaming at me for having dared bail out a week....but you kids are pretty much used to it by now. When I go two weeks straight, however, I get a lot of “Hello? Are you okay? Did you die?”. Now excuse me, but if I was dead...how could I go online and read your letters? I mean..okay....I’m sure that if there is a Hell...there’s already a room reserved for me...my Mother probably has cleared spaced in her closet already. And I’m SURE Hell
would involve daily visits to mirabilis.com...but come on people....I really doubt Satan is going to let me check me e-mails.

At least nobody called for me to turn in my Internet awards this time around.

Besides..I already gave a relative Al’s phone number. So if I WAS to die during my time here on hotmail. She’ll be sure to call him and let him know. That way he can have a full Internet eulogy posted for all to mourn. Then you can get Haji, Paul, and Bill to wear black armbands in my honor. Neat huh?

Then, of course..you can stop payment on your Internet accounts and throw out your PC’s...because let’s face it....this Net SUCKS without me. I’ve been around while I was gone..I surfed....the number of newsletters seemed to have tripled in my absence....all of them saying the same stuff.....can’t tell any of them apart anymore. If they aren’t ripping me off..they’re ripping Hannon
off..or both of us. Jeezus...this place blows. There’s even a CHICK
COLUMNIST running around now..I think her name is “Galactus” or something (and MAN...can she EAT)....good Lord....do we really need that?

Two more things then I’m done....

1). Hannon went back to 411. I know that I SHOULD be pissed about
it..seeing how I was bragging about recruiting him...but I’m not. The truth is that he was given an opportunity....took it....tried his best at it....and decided that he preferred the smaller, more concentrated audience that 411 has. And let’s face it, 411 was hurting without him. He liked his old home better than his new home.....and I have no problem with that. I mean, let’s be real..it is HARD to try to distinguish yourself here on hotmail...where most of the audience just reads Al’s stuff anyway. Then, after Al, there’s me. there’s a LOT of talent here to compete with for notoriety. So no..I’m not mad...or even disappointed. He gave it his best shot.

2) FINALLY.....this week’s closer is probably what you were waiting for. A “Farewell” closer dedicated to the departure of a special man...in much the same fashion as I did my “Farewell” closer to Lou Deppas during his announced retirement from MB a year or so back....cool huh?

And now boys and girls for a REEL special treat....can ya guess what it is? Of course ya cant.
thisis the point of the column where NON-jhs mb members or ppl who care bout it, should get up, get a drink, and come back when its done.

this past weekend, jhs had a free day...but whilst you were resting, the other bands in the conference were out competing...and they are better for it. Not necessarily better than jhs, but they are more improved now than they were a week ago. Anyhu, here are the scores for last weeks shows.

September 25, 1999
At Medina
6:30pm

LD3
Lancaster 62.76
North Tonawanda 65.84

SD2
Phoenix 77.91
Johnstown 71.83
Marcus Whitman 72.26
Victor 76.11
Southwestern 70.38

LD2
Orchard Park 78.00

SD1
Eastridge 79.54
Medina 81.16


At Norwich
7:00pm

SD3
Mohawk 59.59
Homer 70.03

LD3
Copiague 72.60
Baldwinsville 73.89
Central Square 77.05
Binghamton 64.64

SD2
Johnson City 74.57
Norwich Exh.


At Oswego
7:00pm

SD1
East Syracuse-Minoa 77.91
Jordan-Elbridge 75.94

LD1
Cicero-North Syracuse 81.42
Webster 84.33
Liverpool 84.59
West Genesee 86.04
Oswego Exh



And that is it for last weekend
as you can see, O.P has gained some groud, and the Artists formerly known as the National Class are all doing exceptionally well thus far.

Now i have a nice little message to "Sophia" who thinks that i am bad mouthing the band. I want you to take your mouthpiece, shine it up all nice and bright, put it into yer instrument, uh-uh, do NOT play it yet...turn that sumbitch sideways, and shove it straight up your candy ass!

~Oz

"Progress"

Agent "00420" Orange sits in his lockeroom watching CSPN. The 9:00am version of SlamCenter is on (he wasnt awake for the earlier showings).

Executive: Today on SlamCenter, its been a long cold night

Footage of blizzard raging outside iNCW arenaChainz: This Knight loses a close friend

footage of Chevalier sending Papion to the CGW

Executive: Was you night as dark as this ladies?

footage of Princess takling about Dark Knight

Chainz: And who is the real "Messiah" of the indy feds?

Footage of Agent Orange and Brain Child locked in a stardown.

Executive: Find out this and all of your philosophical answers today on SlamCenter. Executive: Good morning and welcome to SlamCenter on CSPN. Where you can eat your donuts in peace, be you a bagman in a grocery store, or a lone knight fighting the just.

Chainz: Which gives me a nice lead in to our main topic of discussion this morning. This feud between Chevalier and Dark Knight up in the CBF. That will be the topic today on Wensday Discussion with reporter Wildcat.

Executive: Thank you Chainz. Have you ever gone away on vacation for a few weeks, and come back home to find that you never really left? Well, at least noone thinks you left? That is just the case for Agent Orange, the self-proclaimed Messiah of the indy feds. About three months ago he left the iNCW for the CBF. Upon his leaving, a man known as the Brain Child stepped out of the shadows, claiming to be Agent Orange. After a few quiet weeks, news of this imposter got up to Agent Orange in the iNCW. He promptly asked The Limit for a release in his contract so he could go back to the iNCW and set this imposter in his place.

Chainz: And when he first showedup, things got heated up real quick. I dont believe Brain Child was expecting the true Agent Orange to ever show up again. But then...wahaa! There he was, shoving a mic straight down his throat.

Executive: For the past week or so these two men have gone their seperate ways, allthough wary all the time of the other man, ever ready to defend his right to be called the real Agent Orange. And then last night, a man stepped up and started rolling a rock which could turn into an avalanche.

Chainz: Jason Grimm, who was Agent Oranges old friend, and stable mate, has suggested that Agent Orange and Brain Child square off to decide just who really is the true Messiah. And even more than that, he has volunteered to be the special guest referee.

Executive: We will have comments from the two slammers later on today following Wensday Night Shoots at 8:00est 9:00cent time.

And now for a quick rundown of the other stories in the news today. The slammer known as "Hamboy" has been sent to Slammsville Prison, where he will serve 5 years hard labour for his heinous actions against the iNCW slammers.

Chainz: The new commish in the iNCW has already gotten involved majorly in the happenings of the iNCW. He has told HBK his place, and has already threatened the noted slammer Picronka to mind his p's and q's. And well, Executive, we got to go to a commercial, but when we come back...did you know?

Executive: Agent Orange has won alot of different titles under alot of different gimics, but, can do you know who he beat for his first title victory ever? Did you know, when we come back.

~Oz

"The Storyteller"

This was something I attempted back on the 25th of August in 1999. I belonged to a cyber wresting federation back in those days, and was quite proud of myself at the time. I still miss those old days, and the "Creative" side of me that came out in this.
enjoy. or not.


The Writeup. ALL DAMMIT!I am sorry about the abscense of DanDrozzi in my writeup. When I wrote this all last weekend I had no clue he was the ref. The arena goes quiet. The house lights go down to a barely visible glow, and then suddenly the PA system comes to life. "Everybody wants to rule the World" plays as Brain Child makes his way to ringside, escorted by his personal call by call man Festee "The Body". The crowd standing on its feet cheer loudly for the Brain Child, Agent Orange, the Mirror Image of CSlam. As he hits the ring he takes a mic.

BC: Tonight fans, the iNCW will experience something which has NVER before been done here. This Heavyweight championship of the World match will NOT be decided by the mere technical skills of a slammer, but rather on how creative he is with a write-up. You should all be in awe, for you here are witnissing history in the making. That is all. Hit my opponents music.

Rocky enters Festee makes his way to the announcers table, joining "Lord" Alfred Mayes, replacing Toni Jabroni, as "Standing on top of the world" blares over the PA system and Rocky makes his way ringside escorted by several beautiful valets, and the Worlds title drapped over his shoulder. He too takes a mic...

Rocky: At the end of tonights match, let there be no doubt in anyones mind who the better slammer is. Brain Child, you asked for this match, now you have got it!

With that he throws down the mic, and charges at Brain Child with the furiousness of a raging bull. The Match begins Festee: And this match is underway. This should prove to be a most entertaining match Lord Mayes!

Mayes: You got that right Body! We have to members of one of the most promising up and coming stables in Cyberslam today, The Rebellion, pitted against eachother in a winner takes all battle! But this isnt the first time in iNCW history that the slammer they call the "Indy Messiah" has faced off against a member of his own brethen.

Festee: Nope, we can never forget that classic hardcore bout between Mirror Image and Jason Grimm, that was without a shadow of a doubt the most bloodiest, gruesome match I have ever witnessed in my long tenure of commenting in Cyberslam! But enough of that, Lord Mayes, we have got a match to call right here on our hands!

Mayes: And Rocky throws Brain Child into the ropes, leapfrogs over him, and delivers a smashing elbow to the face of the Brain Child. Now he is delivering a series of fists to his kisser.

Festee: Wait, Brain Child grabs Rockys fist. He headbutts the worlds champ! Now he delivers a running clothesline. Rocky falls down to the mat. Brain Child takes Rockys left leg and SNAPS it backwards! He is trying to pop his tires!

Injury prone??? Mayes: Not a bad stratedgy on his part. Brain Child knows that beating Rocky right out is no easy task. That job will be MUCH easier if Rocky cannot get to his feet.

Festee: Brain Child moves him over to the ropes, places the leg up on the lower rope and starts jumping on it, and NO! Rocky moved out of the way, and Brain Child just got HIS leg tangled up in the rope now!

Mayes: Rocky wasting no time, going right over to Brain Childs tied up leg, and now pounding away at it with his good leg. Brain child is striving to free his leg, and he does so. Now the two men are starring at eachother...Rocky levels Brain Child and sends him flying out of the ring down to the concrete floor!

Festee: And he follows him stealthfully like a wild animal slowly closing in on its injured prey. He starts kicking at Brain Childs ribs like a madman! Come on Rocky! That is your stable mate! You dont want to KILL him!

Mayes gives a lesson Mayes: First off Body, this is a match for the Worlds title. You do whatever you must to ensure your victory. Secondly, it was Brain Child, NOT Rocky who asked for this match. He will get what he deserves now. There are no friends in this type of match.

Festee: Thank you for your heart-warming views Lord Mayes. And Rocky continues this vicious assault on Brain Child...but whats this...Brain child is reaching underneath the ring, and is trying to pull something out...IT IS A CONVENIENTLY PLACE HOCKEY STICK! BRAIN CHILD NAILS ROCKY WITH A HOCKEY STICK RIGHT OFF SIDE HIS FOREHEAD! THE SHOT SENDS HIM REELING TOWARDS THE GROUND!

Mayes: See Body, no friends in this match. Both these men want that worlds heavyweight title belt right now, more than anything in the world! They know full-well the price to pay to become champion. Sometimes it includes sacrificing your friends, so you can move one step closer to the gold!

Assault Festee: Listen to yourself Lord Mayes! Can you hear what your saying?! That is a very morbid view on life. Now Brain Child is poised over the limp body of Rocky, and starts bruttaly hacking away at his left leg again, only this time it is with a hockey stick! Oh this isnt good at all Lord Mayes! From here it looks as if blood is staining Rockys pants! He must be cut wide open now. This has to be...

Mayes: Something is happening Body! Someone is rushing down the aisle, with a mask on there face! Could this be the very same person we saw abduct Brain Child last week from the 160 Proof Bar?

Festee: I dont know, but I DO know he is carrying a baseball bat...Brain Child doesnt see him coming and...

WHACK!!!

Brain Child just got leveled with a baseball bat by that masked assaulter! And now he just slivers away into the crowd like a shadow in the night.

Mayes: Both men are down now outside the ring. Brain Child seemingly unconcsious, Rocky down and out with a broken leg. Lets cut to a commercial break.

This aint Nitro! Festee: Uhhh.....Mayes...we cant cut to a commercial break...this is a Pay Per View event...that means we stay with the action, until it has taken its course, whether they are fighting it out, or both knocked out on the concrete floor. What we CAN do is cut to the back until these men gather themselves. Apparently the iNCW Commish, Doc Whiskey has a few words to say.

The camera cuts to the back where the Doc awaits.

Doc: thank you Body! Ladies and gentlemen, what you are witnessing can only be brought to you by the iNCW, the premier indy federation in Cyberslam. When two men of the same stable can go into the ring and give it their all as these two combatents are doing is remarkable! And I just have an inkling that in this match, we havent seen anything yet. Body, back to you!

Back to the action Festee: Ok, we are back at ringside. Rocky is the first man back to his feet. He glances down at this fallen opponent, and looks about him in wonder.

Mayes: I dont think Rocky has any clue what happened to Brain Child. All he knows is that his opponent is momentarily out of action. Now lets see if he properly capitalizes on this oppertunity.

No, he is just standing over his body, waiting for him to come to! This is plain out stupid on Rockys behalf! KICK HIM!!!! KICK HIM!!!! BEAT HIM SENSLESS GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!

Festee: WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU LORD MAYES!?!?! CALM DOWN! Brain Child is slowly getting to his feet now, and Rocky backs off. Brain Child is now standing up, staring at Rocky. Now Rocky is making his way up the entrance ramp into the back. Brain Child though is hot in pursuit! Lets get a camera back there...Joe...do we have one? Ok. In the back Mayes: Hey! Look at this! Rocky has an electrical cord wrapped around Brain Childs neck! Hahaha!!! Looks like he wants the title just a little bit more!

Festee: This is disgusting. Totallyt uncal...

WHO THE HELL!??!!?!??! SOMEONE JUST RAN BY AND NAILED ROCKY WITH A LEAD PIPE! WHO WAS THAT?!?!!??!

Mayes: AN IDIOT!!! WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING?! ROCKY COULD HAVE HAD THE VICTORY....ohhhhh.......DAMMIT!!!!

Festee: Well, that was enough it looks like for the Rebellion. After two run ins, Jason Grimm and Blur have come out to make sure noone else interferres in this match. Brain Child is the first man to his feet now. And he goes over to Rocky and picks him up. He begins to drag him towards the exit from the arena. And the other men just follow.

The great plunge Now they are out on the loading dock...oh no... I hope that he doesnt plan on doing what i....

Mayes: Brain child sets Rocky up at the side of the dock...picks him up and...JUMPS OFF THE PLATFORM WITH ROCKY TUCKED AWAY IN A REVERSE FLYING DDT!!!! THAT IS A 15 FOOT DROP THAT HE JUST TOOK!!!!

Festee: Oh my god! Both men are totally unconcsious now. And it looks like the Rebellion isnt going to follow down...they are going around the long way. Lord Mayes, there is NO movement whatsoever down there on the ground. It looks like both of those men are corpses. Where is Blur and Jason Grimm? I cant believe they havent come to the aid of there two fellow stable mates. What the?!?! Mayes did you hear what I heard?

Mayes: Yeah! This is great!

WHAT?! WHO?! WHY!? Festee: It appears as if Blur and Jason Grimm have just been jumped and beaten by two masked men. Now we are receiving visual...OH MY GOD!!!! THOSE TWO MASKED MEN HAVE JUST REVEALED THEMSELVES! THEY ARE....THEY ARE...

Mayes: IT IS POLISH EAGLE AND PICRONKA!!!! THEY HAVE JUST DESTROYED THE TWO REBELS!!!

Festee: And now they are heading down to Rocky and Brain Child! Oh no...this is not good at all! They will tear those two men apart now! They cant defend themselves. Wait...who is that? Someone is kneeling over Brain Child...ITS PRINCESS LACY!!! ITS PRINCESS LACY!!! AND THERE IS NIGEL AND NILES!!! THEY ARE GOING TO TRY AND WARD OFF THE PIC'ers. And all the while Princess Lacy is right next to her "companion"...

Showdown at the iNCW docks Mayes: The four men are just in a standoff. Who will stike first? It doesnt matter...Niles and Nigel arent slammers! They will be killed! What the HELL!??

Festee: Brain Child is up! Brain Child is up! Lacy revived him! He goes over to Rocky! He picks him up. ULTIMATE TRANQUILIZER!!! ROCKY IS DOWN!!! BRAIN CHILD FOR THE PIN....1.....2.......3!!!!! BRAIN WINS BRAIN WINS BRAIN WINS!

Mayes: OH SH__!!!!

Almost the final... Festee: Brain child is the new champ! And here come the wolves for the kill!They just push the Osborne brothers out of there way. Brain Child looks worried... Picronka goes to take a swing and...

A common workplace necessity.Festee:HE SHAKES HIS HAND! What the hell?! Brain Child has just shaken hands with Picronka and now he hands Polish Eagle a little envelope he just took from Lacy.

Mayes: This is certainly odd...and now the two PIC'ers start beating up on Rocky! And Brain Child is joining in! What the HELL!?

Festee: I will tell you what is going on "Lord" Mayes! Brain Child has just become a Partner In Crime! CRIME PAYS!

And now they are making their way back to the dressing room. They have the gauntlet match to prepare for now. This should be most interesting now that Brain Child is helping Picronka out! I smell a beatdown on the Rebellion!

Scheme Gene, take it away!

THE END...for now
~oz

"Battle Lines"

Wow, just to show you how much clout you should put into my baseball predictions, I refer you to those of 2 years ago. New text will appear THUSLY...ALL IN CAPS...

Monday, October 03, 2005
"The Tholian Web"
My how time is flying by. October is here already. Hockey starts in 2 days, the Bills are already in "rebuilding mode", and the baseball playoffs are nigh at hand.

HOCKEY STARTS IN 4 DAYS, THE BILLS ARE ONCE AGAIN IN "REBUILDING MODE, THIS TIME WITH TRENT EDWARDS", AND YES BASEBALL PLAYOFFS ARE NIGH AT HAND

I am going to the opening game up at HSBC, and I cannot wait. Really, I am quite excited.

I WILL PROBABLY BE LUCKY TO SEE ONE GAME THIS YEAR, AS THE SABRES ARE INSANE, AND THERE TICKET PRICES OUT THE EFFIN ROOF

I got hired at Walden Books. We will see how that goes. It is nice to be back at a job where one has reasonable customers.

THAT JOB WAS BORING AS ALL HELL.

I have my 1st test tonight in WW2 class. Should be a great one.

I RECEIVED A DECENT GRADE ON IT. I PASSED THIS CLASS AT LEAST

I really do not have much today. School gets al my attention nowadays.

I MISS SCHOOL.

45 days until Goblet of Fire.

WORST HARRY POTTER MOVIE MADE. ORDER OF THE PHONEIX MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE BEST TO DATE

So here is how it fares in the playoffs.


Round 1: White Sox -vs- Red sox....I want to see the Chisox go over here.

WHITE SOX SWEPT IF I REMEMBER

Angels -vs- Yankees... come one...Angels here.

ANGELS WON

Round 2: IF it is Angels -vs- White Sox, then I want the White Sox. If it is Angels vs Red Sox, then the Red Sox. If it is Yankees -vs- either Sox, than whichever Sox make it.

ANGELS LOST TO THE WHITE SOX

From the NL, come on...I wanna see an NLCS rematch of Astros -vs- Cards. And this time may the Astros go on to the Series.

NLCS WAS ASTROS CARDS, WITH ASTROS GOING OVER

In the World Series, I will root for Either Sox team over ANY NL TEAM. I will root for the Angels ONLY against the Padres or Braves. I will root for ANY NL TEAM over the Yankees.

THE WHITE SOX SWEPT THE ASTORS

So ...my ranking would be ....either Sox, Astros, Cardinals, Angels, Braves, Padres, Yankees.

LOOKS LIKE I KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT

Just wanted to say this now so I get no slack in a couple of weeks for rooting for "this team" over "that team" or ya know.

INDIANS ALL THE WAY BABY. ASK ANYONE IN TOWN, I'VE BEEN ROOTING FOR THEM SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I STILL LIKE MY RED SOX, BUT YOU KNOW....WANT TO SEE SOMETHING DIFFERENT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

Radical

TOTALLY

~Oz

~OZ
posted by ozporn at 4:52 PM

"Vortex"

Heres my baseball playoff predictions for this year.
In tonights one game playoff to determine who gets to beat....errrr..play the Phillies in the NLDS, I take San Diego over Colorado

In the ALDS, look for the Indians to eliminate the Yankees in 4 games, and the Angels to take out the Red Sox in 5.

In the NLDS, the Cubs will beat the Diamondbacks in 5, while the Padres will advance past the Phillies in 4.

In the ALCS we will see the Indians win over the Angels in 6.

In the NLCS the Cubs will beat the Padres in 7.


Sorry Chicago, but in the World Series I see the Indiands winning in 5.

"Don't prolong the agony, all men must die"
~Oz