"If Wishes Were Horses"
This was from 9/30/1999
Yes indeed. I’m Alex this is the dramatic return of the Ozporn. It’s the SEASON PREMIERE of THE Internet’s best loved newsletter.....the most INNOVATIVE....the most INFLUENTIAL INTERNET COLUMN ON THE
WHOLE....WHOLE....err Internet!!! Hannon may now retake his rightful
spot FAAR behind my white ass. It’s over kid....you’re back to being number 2.
Lots and lots and oodles of stuff to go through....just some catching up that I feel obliged to take care of. Feel free to read it if you like...or don’t....I couldn’t really care less.
First off, you don’t really want to know where I’ve been these last two weeks.....it’s pretty boring. No car accidents....no heart attacks......no AIDS Virus....no husband coming home early....just a little real life getting in the way of my Internet fun. Hell, I was going to take THIS week off too....but since Al said that I’d be back this week in his Saturday news thing...and Lord knows just about all of Hotmail management is pissed enough at me already (don’t ask)...I
figured I’d saddle up in front of the old keyboard, take off my
pants....and make good on his word. It IS nice to see that a massive wave of letters must have prompted Al to say that I’d be back....it’s nice to feel wanted. Why..I’m half tempted to give out my phone number online....just so you could all kiss my ass through AT&T.
Oh wait..somebody already gave out my number already.....OOO THAT NO
GOOD DAMN RAT BAST....
Oh wait...that’s not my number....heh...how typically half assed......it must be my imaginary sister’s number.
It’s so fun watching people try so desperately to get me to talk about them again.
Second off, the letters I’ve received during my absence. It’s an interesting trend. During the first week..I don’t get many letters anymore. I used to get tons of people screaming at me for having dared bail out a week....but you kids are pretty much used to it by now. When I go two weeks straight, however, I get a lot of “Hello? Are you okay? Did you die?”. Now excuse me, but if I was dead...how could I go online and read your letters? I mean..okay....I’m sure that if there is a Hell...there’s already a room reserved for me...my Mother probably has cleared spaced in her closet already. And I’m SURE Hell
would involve daily visits to mirabilis.com...but come on people....I really doubt Satan is going to let me check me e-mails.
At least nobody called for me to turn in my Internet awards this time around.
Besides..I already gave a relative Al’s phone number. So if I WAS to die during my time here on hotmail. She’ll be sure to call him and let him know. That way he can have a full Internet eulogy posted for all to mourn. Then you can get Haji, Paul, and Bill to wear black armbands in my honor. Neat huh?
Then, of course..you can stop payment on your Internet accounts and throw out your PC’s...because let’s face it....this Net SUCKS without me. I’ve been around while I was gone..I surfed....the number of newsletters seemed to have tripled in my absence....all of them saying the same stuff.....can’t tell any of them apart anymore. If they aren’t ripping me off..they’re ripping Hannon
off..or both of us. Jeezus...this place blows. There’s even a CHICK
COLUMNIST running around now..I think her name is “Galactus” or something (and MAN...can she EAT)....good Lord....do we really need that?
Two more things then I’m done....
1). Hannon went back to 411. I know that I SHOULD be pissed about
it..seeing how I was bragging about recruiting him...but I’m not. The truth is that he was given an opportunity....took it....tried his best at it....and decided that he preferred the smaller, more concentrated audience that 411 has. And let’s face it, 411 was hurting without him. He liked his old home better than his new home.....and I have no problem with that. I mean, let’s be real..it is HARD to try to distinguish yourself here on hotmail...where most of the audience just reads Al’s stuff anyway. Then, after Al, there’s me. there’s a LOT of talent here to compete with for notoriety. So no..I’m not mad...or even disappointed. He gave it his best shot.
2) FINALLY.....this week’s closer is probably what you were waiting for. A “Farewell” closer dedicated to the departure of a special man...in much the same fashion as I did my “Farewell” closer to Lou Deppas during his announced retirement from MB a year or so back....cool huh?
And now boys and girls for a REEL special treat....can ya guess what it is? Of course ya cant.
thisis the point of the column where NON-jhs mb members or ppl who care bout it, should get up, get a drink, and come back when its done.
this past weekend, jhs had a free day...but whilst you were resting, the other bands in the conference were out competing...and they are better for it. Not necessarily better than jhs, but they are more improved now than they were a week ago. Anyhu, here are the scores for last weeks shows.
September 25, 1999
At Medina
6:30pm
LD3
Lancaster 62.76
North Tonawanda 65.84
SD2
Phoenix 77.91
Johnstown 71.83
Marcus Whitman 72.26
Victor 76.11
Southwestern 70.38
LD2
Orchard Park 78.00
SD1
Eastridge 79.54
Medina 81.16
At Norwich
7:00pm
SD3
Mohawk 59.59
Homer 70.03
LD3
Copiague 72.60
Baldwinsville 73.89
Central Square 77.05
Binghamton 64.64
SD2
Johnson City 74.57
Norwich Exh.
At Oswego
7:00pm
SD1
East Syracuse-Minoa 77.91
Jordan-Elbridge 75.94
LD1
Cicero-North Syracuse 81.42
Webster 84.33
Liverpool 84.59
West Genesee 86.04
Oswego Exh
And that is it for last weekend
as you can see, O.P has gained some groud, and the Artists formerly known as the National Class are all doing exceptionally well thus far.
Now i have a nice little message to "Sophia" who thinks that i am bad mouthing the band. I want you to take your mouthpiece, shine it up all nice and bright, put it into yer instrument, uh-uh, do NOT play it yet...turn that sumbitch sideways, and shove it straight up your candy ass!
~Oz
Yes indeed. I’m Alex this is the dramatic return of the Ozporn. It’s the SEASON PREMIERE of THE Internet’s best loved newsletter.....the most INNOVATIVE....the most INFLUENTIAL INTERNET COLUMN ON THE
WHOLE....WHOLE....err Internet!!! Hannon may now retake his rightful
spot FAAR behind my white ass. It’s over kid....you’re back to being number 2.
Lots and lots and oodles of stuff to go through....just some catching up that I feel obliged to take care of. Feel free to read it if you like...or don’t....I couldn’t really care less.
First off, you don’t really want to know where I’ve been these last two weeks.....it’s pretty boring. No car accidents....no heart attacks......no AIDS Virus....no husband coming home early....just a little real life getting in the way of my Internet fun. Hell, I was going to take THIS week off too....but since Al said that I’d be back this week in his Saturday news thing...and Lord knows just about all of Hotmail management is pissed enough at me already (don’t ask)...I
figured I’d saddle up in front of the old keyboard, take off my
pants....and make good on his word. It IS nice to see that a massive wave of letters must have prompted Al to say that I’d be back....it’s nice to feel wanted. Why..I’m half tempted to give out my phone number online....just so you could all kiss my ass through AT&T.
Oh wait..somebody already gave out my number already.....OOO THAT NO
GOOD DAMN RAT BAST....
Oh wait...that’s not my number....heh...how typically half assed......it must be my imaginary sister’s number.
It’s so fun watching people try so desperately to get me to talk about them again.
Second off, the letters I’ve received during my absence. It’s an interesting trend. During the first week..I don’t get many letters anymore. I used to get tons of people screaming at me for having dared bail out a week....but you kids are pretty much used to it by now. When I go two weeks straight, however, I get a lot of “Hello? Are you okay? Did you die?”. Now excuse me, but if I was dead...how could I go online and read your letters? I mean..okay....I’m sure that if there is a Hell...there’s already a room reserved for me...my Mother probably has cleared spaced in her closet already. And I’m SURE Hell
would involve daily visits to mirabilis.com...but come on people....I really doubt Satan is going to let me check me e-mails.
At least nobody called for me to turn in my Internet awards this time around.
Besides..I already gave a relative Al’s phone number. So if I WAS to die during my time here on hotmail. She’ll be sure to call him and let him know. That way he can have a full Internet eulogy posted for all to mourn. Then you can get Haji, Paul, and Bill to wear black armbands in my honor. Neat huh?
Then, of course..you can stop payment on your Internet accounts and throw out your PC’s...because let’s face it....this Net SUCKS without me. I’ve been around while I was gone..I surfed....the number of newsletters seemed to have tripled in my absence....all of them saying the same stuff.....can’t tell any of them apart anymore. If they aren’t ripping me off..they’re ripping Hannon
off..or both of us. Jeezus...this place blows. There’s even a CHICK
COLUMNIST running around now..I think her name is “Galactus” or something (and MAN...can she EAT)....good Lord....do we really need that?
Two more things then I’m done....
1). Hannon went back to 411. I know that I SHOULD be pissed about
it..seeing how I was bragging about recruiting him...but I’m not. The truth is that he was given an opportunity....took it....tried his best at it....and decided that he preferred the smaller, more concentrated audience that 411 has. And let’s face it, 411 was hurting without him. He liked his old home better than his new home.....and I have no problem with that. I mean, let’s be real..it is HARD to try to distinguish yourself here on hotmail...where most of the audience just reads Al’s stuff anyway. Then, after Al, there’s me. there’s a LOT of talent here to compete with for notoriety. So no..I’m not mad...or even disappointed. He gave it his best shot.
2) FINALLY.....this week’s closer is probably what you were waiting for. A “Farewell” closer dedicated to the departure of a special man...in much the same fashion as I did my “Farewell” closer to Lou Deppas during his announced retirement from MB a year or so back....cool huh?
And now boys and girls for a REEL special treat....can ya guess what it is? Of course ya cant.
thisis the point of the column where NON-jhs mb members or ppl who care bout it, should get up, get a drink, and come back when its done.
this past weekend, jhs had a free day...but whilst you were resting, the other bands in the conference were out competing...and they are better for it. Not necessarily better than jhs, but they are more improved now than they were a week ago. Anyhu, here are the scores for last weeks shows.
September 25, 1999
At Medina
6:30pm
LD3
Lancaster 62.76
North Tonawanda 65.84
SD2
Phoenix 77.91
Johnstown 71.83
Marcus Whitman 72.26
Victor 76.11
Southwestern 70.38
LD2
Orchard Park 78.00
SD1
Eastridge 79.54
Medina 81.16
At Norwich
7:00pm
SD3
Mohawk 59.59
Homer 70.03
LD3
Copiague 72.60
Baldwinsville 73.89
Central Square 77.05
Binghamton 64.64
SD2
Johnson City 74.57
Norwich Exh.
At Oswego
7:00pm
SD1
East Syracuse-Minoa 77.91
Jordan-Elbridge 75.94
LD1
Cicero-North Syracuse 81.42
Webster 84.33
Liverpool 84.59
West Genesee 86.04
Oswego Exh
And that is it for last weekend
as you can see, O.P has gained some groud, and the Artists formerly known as the National Class are all doing exceptionally well thus far.
Now i have a nice little message to "Sophia" who thinks that i am bad mouthing the band. I want you to take your mouthpiece, shine it up all nice and bright, put it into yer instrument, uh-uh, do NOT play it yet...turn that sumbitch sideways, and shove it straight up your candy ass!
~Oz
posted by ozporn at 7:55 PM
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