"Spectre Of The Gun"

"Because I'm Still In Love With You, On This Harvest Moon"

I was just reading Wyatts site. 2 things made me think of that song. One was obvious- the Pearl Jam setlist.

The other in his posting on Robert Kennedy.

Last night I was ay Yesterdays with Shawn Kevin and Doc. I went there after the premiere of "Lost" - excellent episode-, for mug nite. Well, as it happens, mug nite has not existed there for at least a year. Okay whatever. We all chugged straight from our "mini-pitchers".

I was approached by a girl there who wanted...WANTED to rub in my face the fact that Boston now trailed the Yankees by 1/2 a game in the AL East, and were for the moment, OUT of the playoffs. She asked me how it felt to lose to the Devil Rays. At this point, I started to tell her she must now as a Yankees fan, as the D-Rays have made NYC its bitch this season. But I stopped myself.

Instead I replied, "Hey, its fine by me. It was too fucking wierd having the Sox in 1st place. Like a creepy episode of the Twilight Zone. It just didn't seem quite right."

I went on to explain how if it came down to it, I would rather see the Indians or the White Sox get the wild card, even if it meant Boston was out of the playoffs. Suddenly I had a crowd of Yankees fans proclaiming Sainthood on me. I was a banner they could all stand around. What they do not understand is, I am not so much a Red Sox fan, as I am a anti-Yankees fan. When I was a kid, back in the 80's when the Yankees were doing nothing, they were my team (because my family loved them, and bought me Yankees clothes to wear). Then around 88 I became a fan of the Oakland A's. Then in the strike year, I started to root for the White Sox. Yes, I did so because Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre wore White Sox hates. they just looked so damn bad ass. Needless to say the Chisox were/are still my team to this day. It just so happened that last year, whilst the red sox were defeating the los angelas angels of anaheim california, I purchased myself a Redsox hat. Not as a bandwagoner, but as a smart ass friend who just wanted to annoy my yankee loving friends.

So wow, I got off the subject... I was talking about how the Red sox being in first was like an episode of the twilight zone, and how that reminded me of what Wyatt said in his post.

I have had much the same hang up now for 5 plus years. And the main toll it has taken is that it has made me be emotional unavailable towards new girlfriends since then. Why do we get so hung up about these old flames? Because we dont see (or dont WANT to see) them as "old flames".

Eliza and myself once had this discusion that love is not like a light switch. You cannot just turn it on and off. Just because the power company cuts your power, does not mean that you suddenly have no want for light. Just because one person in a relationship changes their minds about the way they feel, does not mean the other has to or will do so. I believe that in 95% of relationships their is ALWAYS someone who loves the other one more, and ALWAYS someone who needs the other one more. And it is usually the same person. The thing about that is... it really sucks to find out that they did not need you like you needed them in your life.

The point is, I have grown so accustomed to yearning for old times, that it seems natural now to be apart. after all we have been broken up now for 5 years and 7 days. I wouldn't know what to do if we were together again. I would try to make it just like before even though I know it would not be. that is not to say it wouldnt be great, or that it would be doomed, but it has been so long, it would be like dating someone entirely new, you just happen to know alot about their past.

I don't know if I have made any sense. All that I probably managed was to piss off Mary Kate, and that was not what I was trying to do. I am just open about my past, and have no problem voicing my many opinions.

Well, I guess I will crawl back into obscurity now. Homework beckons!

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

~Oz