"Loud As A Whisper"

Well it is time for me to finally make a very hard decision. Actually, I have already made the decision. I am giving up drinking beer. Why? Because I need to. I sure as hell do not want to, and I am sure that that fact is going to make this a very hard time for me. I do not feel as if I need to attend AA meetings because I think the whole “anonymous” part is bullshit. I feel that we live in a society that wishes to keep it’s dirty side a secret. We’re a society which is embarrassed by the product we churn out. I have never been one to slink away from owning up to my mistakes. But hey, that is all just a part of my own personal beliefs and really doesn’t matter much to my decision.

So, what drove me to this decision? The major concern to me was my ballooning weight issue. I have been the same height - 5’ 10’’ since the 7th grade. When I graduated high school in June of 1999 I weighed in at 140 lbs. (give or take a pound or two). In May of 2002 I weighed roughly the same. Today I weight 212 lbs. What has changed in the past four years that has caused me to jump 70 lbs.? My diet is the same (actually I might eat healthier now than I did a couple of years thanks to Mary Kate). The only new substance introduced to my system in the past four years has been alcohol. Do not get me wrong, yes I did drink before I turned 21 on May 17th 2002, but it was in GREAT moderation. I never once purchased a fake I.D. to purchase beer or sneak into bars with. Just didn’t see the point for myself. At that point I hated beer. I would drink only Jack Daniels or Vodka. And that was in the quantities of about one night of drinking every couple of months tops. Need further proof? Ashley hated the idea of me drinking, so I did not drink while we were dating, or even while I was initially trying to win her back. We dated until 9/15/00 and I would....well that is not that relevant now is it?

Even after I turned 21, I still did not initially drink much. I had now giving up on Vodka and JD, and drank exclusively “bitch” drinks ; Mikes Hard Lemonade, and other fruity drinks. I just couldn’t get into beer, which my father told me was an acquired taste.

***Actually I remember the night I turned 21 I went to the Surf Club with my cousins, parents, and Ashley. I had a few shots of Tequila along with a few Labatts. The Tequila was to wash away the flavor of the beer. Ashley also drank a little bit that night even though she was only 17 at the time.***

I know that as of Christmas 2002 I still was not all that into alcohol. I was giving Saranacs “12 Beers of Christmas” as a “gift” from Danni and Juanita who worked with me in the shoe dept. at Sears. I think Shawn Kevin Josh and Elisha drank all of it. I sipped a few and would pass them on or throw them out.

Honestly, it does seem right around that time that I started drinking more now that I think of it. I was hanging out more with my friends I was making at Sears. We seemed to go out bowling and to the bars to play darts a lot, and the drinking just began occurring naturally. I remember how happy I was that I had now acquired the taste for Labatts. I could now drink it all the time. Elisha, Haji, Kevin and myself went to Shawns house for new years eve 2002 into 2003. I got absolutely shit-faced that night. It was the first time I drank myself to the point of passing out. That really was when it all started.

When I went in for my check up at the doctors in Spring 2003 I was in perfect shape (weight wise), maybe 155ish or so if I recall (and trust me, I do recall if you haven‘t noticed yet). Just a point to remember later. Well, at this point I was down at “Tommys Place” every single night ---no exaggeration. Me, Shawn, Nate, Kristen Travis Haji Elisha...you name it I was there with someone. When they shut down in August of 2003 I mourned. But it was all right, I just started going to Mileys. I could give you more history but it is not really something I feel like continuing to do at the current moment. Maybe some later time.

Doctors check up in May of 04, I weighed 185 lbs. I had put on around 30 lbs. in one year. That was still roughly what I weighed last Spring as well. Now I am at 212 lbs. I am honestly just disgusted with myself, and I feel that I owe it to myself to bring that weight down. My doctor tells me 170ish is where I should be shooting for at my height. That means I am 45 lbs. overweight. I am sure I cannot blame alcohol entirely for that, but it does make up a good deal of the problem.

I said that their were other reasons besides weight that contributed to this decision. Without going into such in depth analysis as the weight issue, I will just touch on them briefly.

1. When I play poker and drink I do terrible. When I do not drink I do honestly do much better. And yes, there have been instancing when I am drinking that I do well, but they are far and in between. Nights I do not drink, I am better without a doubt. The problem would always be I will say I will have just one or two, but it NEVER stays that low. Never. Usually one or two turns into 7 or 8 minimal. As I play poker a lot, and have a deep desire to succeed at it, my drinking while playing has to end.

2. Drinking has caused me to be less of a good boyfriend to Mary Kate. Yes, it seriously has. Now, there is no drastic thing like me hitting her or abusing her in any physical way. But when I have been drinking and she calls me up or if we are out together drinking, I became very cold to her emotionally. I develop theories that she is cheating on me, or accuse her of talking too much to other friends of mine. I usually raise my voice to her and I know it hurts her because she shows obvious visual signs (crying and such) and that kills me afterwards. I love this girl and she is the girl I want to spend my life with. Now that is no way to treat the girl I want to marry and have children with.

3. Even though I do not drink and drive now, I did and I paid for it. And now I drink and have my friends drive me; friends who have been drinking themselves. They already have to get home themselves, and I shouldn’t be making them drive me home drunk as well.

4. I am not to the point where I am drinking each and every night, whether I am at a party, with Mary Kate or just at home by myself. I think that one is an obvious reason.

My goal: Stop drinking alcohol the way I do. Right now I am abusing beer. I cannot currently drink in moderation. Therefore I need to walk away cold turkey. Yes I will bitch, complain, grow angry when other do not let me drink, but in the long run it will be for the better, and I realize that. Maybe some day down the road I can allow myself to drink in moderation if I feel I have a control on myself. Someday I might get sloshed again, and not feel the need to do so every day. But until that day comes (and it may not), I have to give it up.

And yes, I saw the ep. of “South Park” where Stan’s father has a drinking problem and he thinks he is disabled because of it. In the end of the show, Stan tells his father that if he just quits altogether that he hasn’t overcome his problem, that he is just hiding from it. That the only way to overcome alcoholism is to be able to drink in moderation. That’s all well and good, and I do actually agree with that assessment. Unfortunately for me however is the fact that I cannot allow myself to drink in moderation. I will drink more if I drink at all.

So...that’s that.

And please, my friends, do not drink one for me; I have had enough myself.

~Oz